Weightless

I have worked for years to forget and

I know my memory has fogged over some of the events and

The words that we said to each other but

What I remember well are the feelings of

Not knowing if I was safe

I felt unsafe and

I felt so unbearably alone with

Nowhere to go

I was stuck and

I felt embarrassed

Wondering if this was really what love looked like or

Maybe it was the best I would find so

I believed when you said that change was coming

That you would change

That you would change for us

That you loved me

But change never did come and

I believed it was my fault

Some days I think I still do

When really all of this isn’t about fault at all

Rather me learning that I had to create the change so

I chose to leave

I quit

I quit the life we had created together

One morning after you drunkenly raged

I saw the pattern for what it was

How we became two half circles creating one broken cycle

A cycle of saying sorry over and over

Around and around we went

A dark dimly lit carnival ride with broken brakes

My wrist hurt one of those mornings

From when you had grabbed it the night before and

I remember that event because it was its own beginning

The beginning of a too-long-drawn-out end because

I think that sometimes the lesson of truly knowing that

You can love someone without walking beside them is

Hard for me to practice

I know now that love is layered and

Love does not have to be clouded or complicated but

That love can be only light

Weightless

I have worked for years to forget and

I know my memory has fogged over some of the events and

The words that we spoke then but

What I know for certain is that

I chose to walk away and for that

I will always be grateful